Are you wondering is it "I can't or I won't" when it comes to your child?
What do you do when your child that you are working with, WILL NOT do something? (the answer is not to pull out your hair!). But how DO we figure out how to move forward?
We need to better understand the child and the barriers.
We were thrilled to have Alley Dezenhouse-Kelner join us on an SYT Learn Live Call to share information with us all about “Can’t vs. Won’t: Understanding the barriers to skill performance” Alley possesses formal training and 10+ years of experience in counselling psychology, child development, and expertise in behaviour management and effective parenting practices for spirited, and oftentimes exceptional (dyslexic, learning disabilities, ADHD) children. She provided some great tips and insights!
Alley started off by helping us to differentiate between a “can’t” and a “won’t”.
A can’t is when a child cannot do something independently.
This might mean that they do not have the prerequisite skills or sub-steps (individual components of bigger goals) required for mastery of that task. An example is when a child is learning addition. They need to know first what numbers are, number recognition, number names etc. So the first step is to figure out if the struggle is because of a “can’t”.
A won’t, however, is a motivational issue.
This is when you know that the child has demonstrated the skill before and has a mastery of it (so you know it is not a “can’t”) It is a behavioural piece, and we can help by modifying the environment and our approach to set the child up to be motivated to perform.
So the big question comes down to is the problem motivation or is it a problem with skill?
If you have taken the time to learn and assess what the child knows, then you will be better able to determine if it is due to motivation. If it is because of a “can’t”, we work on the substeps to help them build-up to the skill that they are working to learn. So what if you have figured out that it is a “won’t”?
Here are some suggestions and strategies to help if it is a motivational issue:
If, then language...Where the “then” is related to, and contingent upon, the “if” (ie. if we finish our homework quick enough, then we will have time to go to the park)
Behavioural momentum…Help the child to gain momentum by starting with easier tasks. These can act to build confidence and lower resistance. For example, choose the things that are “gimmes” that you know the child will be able to answer, or to do with ease, then ramp up to the harder items.
Environmental variables…Visual clutter and sensory overload can have an impact on stress levels. Preparing a space for learning can have a positive effect on motivation.
Alley reinforced the idea of knowing your child - understanding their skills, understanding their motivations and knowing their triggers. This will help with figuring out how to move forward when they are struggling.
We can encourage our children by including lots of positive statements of feedback with more negative ones, helping them to understand their escalation levels (to help with those peaks), setting firm boundaries (have to do vs can do), using a stepladder approach (slow and steady steps to the end goal), and reinforcing flexibility. We loved Alley’s suggested language around rigidity and flexibility: “You are being like a popsicle stick, rigid and wood, you want to be more like a pipe cleaner, bendy and flexible”.
Understanding whether the barriers are skill-based or motivational-based will provide a much clearer picture of what the struggles our children are experiencing are all about. This will, in turn, help us to be a better parent, teacher, coach, and advocate for them.