Emotions -- and Teens with Learning Differences
Many kids and teens with learning differences (such as dyslexia, ADHD or learning disabilities) feel big emotions, however, when we don’t fully understand what these emotions are and what they are trying to tell us, we aren’t using them in a way that helps us (hint - they are trying to send us messages!).
Kristina Buk joined us as a guest expert to help us decipher what our emotions are really trying to tell us.
Fear, anger, grief and joy. These are considered the basic emotions...but what does that mean, and what about all of the other things that we are feeling? What does this have to do with defense mechanisms? Learning about emotions will help us to understand what is happening in our bodies, how our emotions can help us, and how our feelings and emotions lead to defense mechanisms.
Kristina shared her insights about emotions, and how they are signals - the emotions that are created in your brain turn into SIGNALS that are received in your body. So what are the different signals for these four basic emotions and how are they meant to help you?.
1. Fear: is a survival signal. The signal is “now I must pay attention”. If you take action on the signal, pay attention, it leads you TO attention. An example of this would be if you see an angry dog walking towards you, fear signals that you need to pay attention to what is happening with that dog.
2. Anger is created by a transgression of your boundaries. The signal you receive is “I must mark my boundaries''. If you take action on the signal, you mark your boundaries, which leads to respect. An example of this would be a person who is treating you in a way that feels disrespectful to you; you have to set clear boundaries with others.
3. Grief is created by the loss of any kind, including subconsciously. This signal you receive is “I must take care of myself”. If you take action on the signal, by taking care of yourself, it leads to trust. Grief happens with change, and an example could be something such as you becoming a big brother or big sister (losing the status of an only child). The action itself is what makes the signal disappear - then you can find joy.
4. Joy is the emotion that is created on a foundation of truth and it signals healing. True joy is obtained through taking positive action on the signals you receive.
Examples:
You let yourself feel the fear and pay attention the first time you go on the airplane
You tell your friends it’s crossing your boundaries when he/she treats you in a certain way
You take time to take care of yourself — when you have said goodbye to limiting beliefs
How does this relate to defense mechanisms? Kristina also talked about defence mechanisms and how there are different degrees of them.
When we are in balance with the basic emotion, the emotion can show up in a calm way. However, the further we get away from that balance point of what the actual emotion is there for, the more we get into using defense mechanisms.
When you move further away from what signal is actually about, the further the system is closed down to being allowed to feel that emotion. If you are not permitted to be angry for example, you will find other ways to get that emotion out (defense mechanisms). This may show up as a different feeling (anger could become exaggerating, joking, lying, judging, embarrassment, selfishness, manipulating etc) or it could show up as one of the other basic emotions.
When you address the right thing, emotions can get resolved.
The goal is to understand our emotions (easier said than done!), and to be in balance with them so that we can be attuned to those signals. When we are in that balance, we are less likely to move into those different degrees of defense mechanisms.
The Balance Points of Basic Emotions: feelings, states, moods and behaviour you experience when you take action on the raw emotions’ signals.
First Degree Defense Mechanism: feelings, states, moods and behaviour stemming from a lack of knowledge of the basic emotions’ signals.
Second Degree Defense Mechanism: feelings, states, moods and behaviour as stemming from a total blocking of your basic emotions.
Third Degree Defense Mechanism: feelings, states, moods and behaviour stemming from unconscious defense towards your basic emotions,
Learning about emotions, signals, and defense mechanisms is another step on the road to understanding our kids, what they are experiencing, and helping them to be the best version of themselves (because they really are SO incredible!).
If you are interested in learning more about basic emotions, signals, and defense mechanisms, check out Kristina’s SYT Learn Masterclass. You will get lots of tips and insights! ** content reviews information from Arne Olsen’s book
If you think that your child could benefit from learning more about basic emotions, check out our Youth Program led by Kristina.