Sibling fights and jealousy and comparisons. Oh my!
It can be so incredible to see the connection between siblings. As a parent, watching them grow and develop a bond is so heartwarming. But...let’s be honest, it is not all sunshine and rainbows. Kids have disagreements, fights, jealousy and comparison. As a parent, that can be frustrating and it can be hard to know how to move forward while acknowledging the needs of more than one child.
We were very fortunate to be able to have a recorded video discussion with Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist, founder of ahaparenting.com and author including well known books Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids and Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings. This recording is available to our Parent Membership Community, but there were so many good nuggets of wisdom that she gave us, that we couldn’t help but share some of them…
One thing that Dr. Markham discussed was the issue of comparison, a common problem within sibling relationships. Dr. Markham’s advice included the importance of not comparing children to each other. We need to celebrate that our children are each different people, they can explore different things from their siblings and that everyone should be recognized for what THEY do. In order to help with comparison problems, she recommends finding specific examples of things that you admire about your child to share with them, and to empathize with your child when they are feeling stuck in the comparison loop.
Another topic Dr. Markham dove into was about the idea of faults - as in siblings arguing over whose fault something was. Sound familiar?!? Her advice: Listen non-judgmentally, even if what your child says may not be a totally accurate account of what happened. Remember, that it is THEIR perception and that it is important to feel heard regardless. Help your children by coaching them on what they could say to their sibling to work things out, but try to work as an interpreter, not a mediator.
Dr. Markham also shared her insights about when siblings are being too rough. One of the key takeaways from this was the importance of setting ground rules and boundaries. An example for roughhousing would be things like:
No means no
No punching
Always ask before you touch someone’s body (those key concepts of consent!)
We can’t do something where someone is going to get hurt
Then if someone does get hurt, we settle everyone down and then there needs to be a debrief to figure out where things went wrong.
One of the most valuable things about Dr. Markham’s discussion is the verbiage she provides on multiple occasions to help model what you might say when talking to your kids in some of these situations. An example?
“Whoa whoa I am hearing some words that could hurt someone’s feelings. What is our number one rule? Kindness. Can you tell your sister without being mean?”
Sometimes the words seem so simple, but it is with a little switch of perspective or word choice that the message becomes one of you being an ally instead of a top-down rule enforcer.
Some of the key themes that seemed to come from our expert about sibling relationships? Acknowledge. Listen. Understand. Coach. Interpret. Set ground rules.
Interested in hearing more from Dr. Markham? Her recorded interview is available to members of our Parent Membership Community. Consider joining us to gain access to this, and many other great content bundles by clicking here.